Has pepper-spraying non-violent protesters lost its charm? Do you long for that adrenaline rush you felt the first time you bashed some hippy in the head, but no matter how many heads you bash, it's just not the same?
Have no fear! Our delightfully precocious military is developing all sorts of exciting new "non-lethal" weapons that will soon be "trickling down" to your local campus police force and average rent-a-cop.
Will zapping hippies with microwave guns or the awesometastic-sounding "Distributed Sound and Light Array" give you that same rush? We'll have to wait and see, but I'm sure the average authoritarian rent-a-thug is already furiously masturbating while imagining the screams and sounds of sizzling hippy-flesh as he anticipates these exciting new developments in weapon technology.
Happy new year!