Tuesday, November 18, 2014

We're Number One!

We're number one! We're number one!

1. Oregon
Standout stat: 6.3 craft breweries per 100,000
It should be noted that our entire editorial staff (except for Kryza, who lives in Portland and likes to tell people about it) was actively rooting against Big O in this ranking. It leads any booze-related national conversation on the strength of its unassailably dense beer scene, but OR's also third in wineries, fifth in distilleries, and 13th in bars per capita. Oh, did we mention craft beer and wine alone account for $4.6 billion in economic impact each year, and Oregonians drink 2.65 gallons of booze? Because it does, and they do. Basically, it's a big, boozy bully, and we wanted to take it down a peg or several. But the numbers don't lie -- The Beaver State is America's Booziest.

Suck it, you buncha sober losers. :-b

In a related study, extensive research has found that buying a new house and moving for the first time in eleventy-zillion years results in a dramatic increase in quantity of alcohol consumed. The study is ongoing, with an additional focus on examining any correlation between types of remodeling projects and choices of beverage.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Light(er) posting

I'm moving. There will be even fewer shitty posts than normal around here for a while. I know you're all terribly upset.

I guess I'll be nice awful and make sure you all know about the Cards Against Humanity's Holiday Bullshit for this year (hurry, less than 200,000 left, they'll go quick).

To tide you over until I post again, here is a mesmerizing picture of the McKenzie river I took a couple months ago:

(click to embigginate)

That is all, we now return you to your regularly scheduled blogoscape. See you on the flipside, if I survive.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

High Stateciety

While the rest of you losers out there in the great wasteland known as 'Murka lick your wounds, here in Beervana, we remained (relatively) sane and easily re-elected our surprisingly-not-completely-useless Democrats, and legalized pot. Overwhelmingly, also, too: 703,275 to 579,188. Took us a few tries over the last couple cycles, but hey, I'll take it.

Fuck. Yeah.

So, come July (yeah, unfortunately it'll be a while before the law takes effect), I think I'll brew up an inaugural batch of Mary Jane Ale wherein I legally toss in a gram or two of legal pot along with the hops. I'd replace all the hops with pot, but hops are only $4 an ounce, and beer needs multiple ounces... You do the math.

I've been avoiding the news other than this, since when I glanced at it briefly all I saw was "OMG NEW REPUBLICAN MAN-DATE LET'S HEAR FROM CHRIS CHRISTIE ABOUT HOW AWESOME THIS ALL IS AND WHAT DOES THIS MEAN FOR 2016!!!!?!?!!!?!?!?" -- is there any other good news to glean from the otherwise shitty midterms out there in your necks of the woods?

Whoah, I almost forgot the obligatory soundtrack:

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Opinions differ

There is dissension in the blogroll!

I'm with Drifty -- vote, then bitch later -- but I understand the "whatever, fuck it" mentality that pervades these mid-term shenanigans. We have some interesting shit going on in Beerville (legal marijuana, fuck yeah!) and some really nasty house races. Oh yeah, and piss-lover Art Robinson, always good for a laugh.

It's all a bit anticlimactic here since we vote by mail. "Election day" is a bit meaningless, other than it being the last day you can get your ballot in and the day the counting finishes up. But with luck, hopefully today we'll all get to listen to this in celebration after it's all counted up:

We'll see. Keep your fingers crossed.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Wimp-out Wednesday

I'm gonna be lazy and outsource today's blogging. Huge surprise, I know.

First, if you're not reading Jesus And Mo, you should be:

b) This is a pretty good McSweeney's column about guns. A tidbit:

Three years ago, my wife and I got concealed-carry firearms permits. A lot of people have asked why we did that. The answer is short: we did it because of a weekend column in the newspaper. Plus, we wanted to do something new, and we weren’t afraid of guns.

The official gun evangelist answer, on the other hand, is longer: “Why not a concealed carry? Are they trying to infringe upon your sacred Second Amendment right to Keep And Bear Arms, bestowed upon you and all of your Fellow Citizens by God Himself, as He directed our Founding Fathers to ensure Freedom from Tyranny for all Freedom-loving Patriots who need to defend Themselves and their Families from the Government and the Maniacs that lurk outside our homes across this Beloved Nation and—"

While that tirade continues, back to the short answer. It was summertime, and one night as my wife and I sat on the front porch reading our local newspaper (on our laptop screens because the “paper” only exists in binary code now) I caught one of those Things to Do This Weekend pieces that typically run in the Friday issue of any paper.


Read the whole, etc., blah.

Or not. What the fuck do I care?

Thursday, October 23, 2014

I made this...

...for no particular reason.

Please feel free to use it, I'm sure it'll come in handy in various situations.

Updated: Originally a Ute Ooob but I fixxorated it and made it a really fucking big gif on Imgur for more versatility. Please note new zoomishness. You're welcome.

Thursday, October 16, 2014


Since I'm the world's laziest blogger, I'm just gonna take this comment I left over at Helmut's place and repurpose it here slightly edited.

[Ebola] is a nasty disease, but at this point it's just being used as a tool for panic. Hey, it keeps the rubes scared, so it's useful until the next shiny thing comes along. The CDC and the Texas hospital did some stupid shit, otherwise it would have been over as soon as it started.

Meanwhile, how many people have died of the regular ol' flu this year?1 How many got vaccinated? How many have been gunned down?2 Oh, no sorry, we don't talk about those things.

People are very, very bad at evaluating risk. Like, horrifically, comically bad.

The only thing I'd like to ever hear about ebola again is a report about who exactly is paying for all this expensive care. I can't imagine these poor folks getting flown around on special private ebola-jets are getting it for free, that'd just be unAmerican. We couldn't have that. I hope their surviving relatives are being billed [/snark].

Stay scared, America.

1 More than 20 thousand people die every year in the US from the flu (get vaccinated, dumbasses).

2 Approximately 32 thousand gun deaths a year. But let's not talk about that, because we may start wondering why there are so many fucking guns in this country. Oh look, a sportsball game is on!